Lucifer Morningstar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_rebel_son) wrote2019-12-28 09:49 pm
the_rebel_son) wrote2019-12-28 09:49 pm
In the Library (Nexus Open)
Lucifer had spent most of the evening in his private library reading and slowly drinking his way through several bottles of wine. No one was around, and then people started texting him. It was an interruption that he eventually relented to.
Laying on the chaise, book open on his chest he answered, but really would have preferred to go back to reading. Convenient as it was, some days he wanted to melt down the cellphone, PINpoint and everything else. Make people go back to in person, prayers, and handwritten letters.
Sighing he relented to more texts and less time reading.
Dorian, I lived as a human for a lifetime. It does not make me human, nor a mortal. You stopped being human the moment you became immortal. There is a difference between recognizing what you once were and clinging to it. I know this from personal experience. I was born an angel of heaven but I am no longer, nor will I ever be one again. The moment I was cast out that changed forever. Madness and self-defeat lay on the path that looks forever back on what you were.
[Lucifer was painfully aware of this, for himself, and quite a number of angels who tried to cling to heaven. Some had broken free, tried to return, and either died in the void or were killed by God. It wasn't a good path.]
I would start by accepting that one of the key things that makes a human what they are is mortality, death, and the feelings that come with knowing life is limited. With the mortality gone, by definition it leaves you outside of being human.
(Continued from here)
Laying on the chaise, book open on his chest he answered, but really would have preferred to go back to reading. Convenient as it was, some days he wanted to melt down the cellphone, PINpoint and everything else. Make people go back to in person, prayers, and handwritten letters.
Sighing he relented to more texts and less time reading.
Dorian, I lived as a human for a lifetime. It does not make me human, nor a mortal. You stopped being human the moment you became immortal. There is a difference between recognizing what you once were and clinging to it. I know this from personal experience. I was born an angel of heaven but I am no longer, nor will I ever be one again. The moment I was cast out that changed forever. Madness and self-defeat lay on the path that looks forever back on what you were.
[Lucifer was painfully aware of this, for himself, and quite a number of angels who tried to cling to heaven. Some had broken free, tried to return, and either died in the void or were killed by God. It wasn't a good path.]
I would start by accepting that one of the key things that makes a human what they are is mortality, death, and the feelings that come with knowing life is limited. With the mortality gone, by definition it leaves you outside of being human.
(Continued from here)
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So few of my scars are visible on my skin. Nearly all of them are unseen, especially the wounds that do not scar, nor heal. [Lucifer's lips pressed thin.] No, people do not know your scars because you hide them like most conceal their shame. However, they might as well be your sandwich board sign for how they are visible in your behavior.
[Lucifer stared at him like he was stupid.] If you were not such a closed off bastard who believes he is an island surrounded by nothing but things out to get him you might have seen that weeks ago.
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[Despite himself, that earns a short, hollow chuckle.] The things that happened to me affected me. Taught me lessons. I can become something new around those wounds, but I can't change that they happened.
[Dorian tips his head, frowning. There's a defensive response forming in the back of his throat, but Dorian bites it back, sighing.] I'd think you would understand what it is to open yourself up to people when you've done the same to so many, only for it to end badly.
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You keep saying that to me as if you have endured so much. You sound like a self centered toddler spouting that repeatedly at someone who has spent billions of years being tortured and cursed. [Lucifer frowned.] From all I see you did not become something around them, you have only become controlled by their damage.
[Lucifer openly laughed because the comment was too absurd to allow to pass.] Do I appear closed off to you Dorian? With that comment I can only imagine you have learned nothing about my presence. If I allow my wounds to close me off, imprison me, the one who wounded me would get his way.
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[Considering how he’s spent the last year, Lucifer isn’t entirely wrong about that. He can admit it to a certain degree, but it does sting. Dorian drops his head as those words sink in, bringing a hand up to push his dark curls out of his face in a self-soothing gesture. His face falls slightly, as his thoughts go to one very specific, very recent source of trauma.] Because there’s no way to undo what’s been done. And that was [he was] —I lost everything.
I’ve lost plenty of people before but never— not like this.
[It’s not another deflection. It’s a real, deep-seated, and raw pain that surfaces now in his words and around the edges of his expression.]
Now? No. But you can’t deny that you act as it suits you depending on who you’re talking to, or the reaction you’re looking for. There is distance in that.
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[Lucifer shook his head.] You do not even acknowledge nor, perhaps know, what I have lost.
No, torture cannot be undone, but wallowing in it as if it is perfume instead of shit only adds to the problem. As far as I can tell you would rather continue to wallow for the sake of complaining instead of standing up and moving forward.
[Lucifer's expression has turned flat, but he isn't about to give an inch.] Before too. I have only pushed back when you have treated me as a child that has endured less than you or insulted me directly. If anything has kept you at arms length it is your own behavior. You probably would have had me in your bed sooner if your reaction to me drinking in your bedroom was not to bristle and insult me.
[As Lucifer spoke seriousness welled up in his tone. He would not bear the weight of Dorian's behavior.
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Why do you keep assuming that we're the same? We aren't. However many similarities there may be between us, we've still led fundamentally different, individual lives and responded to them differently.
[The suggestion that he might be behaving childishly doesn't anger Dorian as much as the refusal to take a conciliatory step.]
Of course. You couldn't have any fault in any of this. I should have known.
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There are many reasons we are more similar than you think. So many you would deflect, but there is one... [Sorrow wells up in Lucifer's eyes with an intensity that his gaze drops into his lap, even his wings sag toward the ground in the pause.]
Most creations call me the Father of Mankind, but in my own....it is not merely words. Cain, the first born human, was my son and, his mother, my wife even if God gave her to another. Humanity is born from my blood. They are a mirror of what I am.
[Lucifer sighed and with it came sorrow with such weight it is tangible in the air but he forced himself to meet Dorian's gaze.] You know so little of me, dig in knives you do not even realize you are holding, and expect me to be unaffected.
[He blinked slowly, sighing.] Do you always behave in this way toward those who would see relief to your suffering?
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But what he's hearing still confuses him. And after opening up a deeply vulnerable place in him and it not going well, he's feeling raw and frustrated.]
That's your truth, Lucifer. That doesn't make it the truth I perceive. We can't make claims on each other's lived experiences like that, however they may feel.
For what it's worth, though... I am sorry about your son.
[(Bizarrely, the response that wants to bubble up first after that comment is to tell Lucifer that he isn't his father.)]
When they won't admit that they may have made mistakes in all of this, too, yes.
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Why are you so afraid of someone understanding, possibly even living, what you have? You are so adamant about it that you get angry everytime I try to explain why I can sympathize and understand your life. It is so extreme that you would rather tell me I am wrong than ask what I have endured that might give me understanding.
[Lucifer gave Dorian a pointed look, verging on aggressive.] I have admitted what I have and have not done directly to your face but you do not hear me. You seem to prefer to be offended than to realize I have accepted you into my own family. I would not waste my time speaking to someone so arrogant and insulting if I did not find them worth my time.
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[Part of the answer to that question probably isn't one that Lucifer is going to want to hear. If other people share his experiences, it makes them less unique. And he's been unique for so long on Earth that it's become a core part of his identity.]
Couldn't I ask the same about why you want to insist that we are the same? I don't deny that some of our experiences overlap, but--
I've never met anyone like me, and neither has any of the people I've met-- until I met you.
[He caught small inklings of what Lucifer's saying now earlier, but having it spelled out so directly is a little surprising.]
--into your family?
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[Lucifer had a completely different perspective on uniqueness. Perhaps it was age. Billions, perhaps trillions of lives had passed creation in the time he had existed, commonality was a given, though exact duplication was not. Shared experience did not threaten Lucifer's sense of individuality. The questions brought some wry amusement to Lucifer.]
Someone has to pull off your blinders to see what exists beyond the few years you have lived. It seems you think your life has been long, but for an immortal you are still a babe in arms. If you do not learn to exist as an immortal you will not survive. [Lucifer frowned.] Unfortunate as it may be, most immortals are not as kind or forgiving as the angels in my family, and they will expect you to know how to act. You still have a lot to learn.
[The incredulous, what are you stupid? look returned to Lucifer's expression.] You live in my home with my daughter, and have shared my bed, even by human terms that should have been enough to understand.
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It's a matter of perspective. Compared to most humans I'm ancient and seasoned, which you surely realize. [Which isn't him denying Lucifer's point, but it's difficult to let being dressed down like this stand without standing up for himself. He's listening and letting what the angel is saying sink in, but it's something that's bound to take time to take hold after so much time spent thinking of his life and immortality in very different terms.]
And if I'm a 'babe in arms', what does that make you, then? [His eyebrows rise, and a hint of something knowing creeps into his features.] Dad?
[The amount of restraint it takes to not call Lucifer something more suggestive in response to being regarded as something like a mentee or a son just now is not small.]
I've had more than a few unique living situations before. [But that doesn't change the fact that Lucifer's calling him family. The word sits oddly in his gut, but isn't unpleasant. It'll take some getting used to, given that the last of his actual family died in 1964.] But... thank you.
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Yes, I realize you have surpassed being human. That was what started your irritation.[Lucifer sighed, eyes closing and opening slowly. He needed Dorian to understand what was in play.] Ancient is a meaningless word for me. I was ancient when the universe came into existence.
The Greeks did always accuse me of having a taste for young immortals. [Lucifer had caught on to what Dorian was avoid, smirking and just a little more aloof than usual.] Though, despite being nearly as young as you, I do not even permit Balthazar to call me Dad.
[Lucifer's control had returned and his words came calm again, placid.] I have seen all the living arrangements that have ever passed in my creation. Rarely is anything unique any longer. You are welcome.
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Then if we can't find a comparison there, perhaps you'll understand the desire to stand up for myself.
[That gets a small, libidinous smirk in turn.] No? Well, it wouldn't make sense if he did, anyway. Balthazar isn't the prince.
[Dorian has no idea what to do with the idea of being drawn gently into someone's family like this, so he'll let that comment sit for now with a small, acknowledging nod. It will take time to adjust to the idea of not being so completely isolated, but it isn't something that can't eventually happen, he's sure.]
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Lucifer shook his head at Dorian's comment]
Stagnation is a poor way to stand up for the eternity you have to live.
[Lucifer's dominant and flirtatious side was coming out, as usual, when the banter turned sexual.] It does not make sense for you either. Is not your station in relation to me more of a concubine?
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[He grins a little.] I'm just going with the word you chose first.
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Lucifer finally reached over and picked his wine glass back up, sipping from it while gazing at Dorian over the glass, so much like that first moment in Dorian's bedroom. The glass away from his lips and a coquettish smile appearing.]
No laws among the angels forbid a prince from being the king's concubine. Though, I would tread carefully. My King's taste runs not far from my own.