For the Love of the Fathers

[the_rebel_son]

Lucifer had withdrawn aside from official requests months ago. The angels watched and waited. It wasn't the first time their King had turned his back on the angels to dwell on some matter or another. As weeks turned into a month, and more, they started to whisper. Some had gone to Lucifer and been turned away. He was becoming short tempered, angry, and volatile.

Death listened in silence. He knew the reason but spoke no words of the matter. It was not his place nor did he know what the fallout would be if he spoke, creating a gulf in the family between father and children and between the twins was not something Thnisko wished to be responsible for. And he held silent from the shadows, often seeking out Deet's company to be free of the pain he felt from his father. She asked and he spoke of family problems with no specifics. She understood though and simply seeing a father bearing depression was enough of a reason in her eyes.

Today though when Belial and Lucifer had nearly came to blows in anger over a trifle matter Thnisko knew silence could not stand any longer. He debated internally about who to speak with and who might do the most good. There were things about this situation that required reservation, tact, and an ability to manage Lucifer when he barely wanted company.

Thnisko wondered if Balthazar already knew the situation, and if so, things would be more dire than Death expected. Still, that was who he sought out in the villa. He knew his other father was present. That is where Death headed, steps heavy with worry on many levels.

Comments

[the_rebel_son]

I am going to go for now. I've been ignoring... Death paused and smiles a bit to himself. ...ignoring things I shouldn't because of my worry, but I will hear if you call.

Death also gets up to leave for the forest. He needs time away and the walk out will be helpful.

Lucifer felt the presence before he heard or saw it. He didn't immediately turn to the presence because Balthazar spent time in this library often enough. It was something they shared, a love of knowledge. The smile breaks in his darker expression long before he even looks to the angel settling in the window with him.

"Have you been reading poetry today?" Lucifer eyes meet his as he shifts to slide one leg down to the floor. He nods to encourage Balthazar to come into his arms. He can use the closeness right now. "We should go flying again soon. You are beautiful when you are free to fly."

[tryingitall]

Balthazar's tastes in books are about 40% arcane knowledge and 60% sexy romance novels. He has several boxes of paperbacks in his flat, as well as space on the shelves here. Of course, a lot of the oldest forms of arcane knowledge are available only in scroll or tablet form.

It's reassuring, that smile. It seems that Lucifer isn't so defensive he'll turn his lover away. Balthazar readily moves close to him and encircles him with arms and wings, nuzzling softly into his hair. "I'd like that, darling. I'm sure Levi would be happy to spend time in the studio and let me wander untethered."

He takes a breath, wishing they could just continue on with this topic of conversation, then shrugs the nerves aside and takes the plunge: "I know you're under stress, and I thought it was better to give you space at first, but now I think different. What's happened? Please, tell me."

A soft, soulful plea that ripples all the way through his Grace.

[the_rebel_son]

"We have worked out the wards that are needed to let me take you to our home if you wanted to see it." He doesn't want to push the issue because honestly, Chaos is depressing if you aren't used to it, or can be. He does want to offer though because sharing where he's from is important.

He wraps his arms around Balthazar as he nuzzles in. The question though has him looking away and taking a heavy breath. He knew this would have to come out and he still doesn't want to talk about it. Pushing it away was the only way he could keep the aggression at bay. He could shove everyone else aside or send them away with a stern gaze. This angel though, he sighs heavily.

"I have sent Dorian away. He is not welcome here any longer." It was not the what happened but the outcome. His feathers flutter, standing on end as the waves of stress come with his thoughts. "He has violated my trust and will not be forgiven."

Lucifer didn't often hold a grudge, God and the other Seraphim aside. This one he would hold on to for a long time, maybe forever. He knew this because there are lines that can't be uncrossed.

[tryingitall]

"I do want to see it." He brightens at this suggestion, though he tempers that emotion immediately because he knows full well it's not a fun tourist spot. But being there for at least a short while is a necessary step forward in intimacy with Lucifer, and in responsibility with the other Fallen angels. "With or without my vessel?"

Levi, he thinks, would get no benefit out of visiting Chaos, but that's the human's decision, not Balthazar's. And it's also not the main matter at hand.

He strokes Lucifer's shoulder idly as he speaks, for the sake of soothing him. This is a delicate discussion and Balthazar is more concerned about hurting Lucifer further than about himself getting hurt. He nods at the statement, which is true, though it dodges the heart of the matter.

"I spoke to Thnisko," he says, because it's probably important that he be equally honest. "He implied that Dorian tried to harm you. There's a lot that I need to know, about what happens next. And I'm sure it's the last thing you want to talk about, but I also suspect you need...a shoulder."

"We don't have to talk about it here if you're worried about burning something down, but we do have to talk about it."

[the_rebel_son]

"I can accommodate either. I have brought normal humans into Chaos without injury and all within are angels which will have no ill effects from seeing your trueform." Lucifer finds it calming to talk about simple plans that are devoid of his current stresses. Though he knows the conversation will turn that direction all too soon.

"He has hurt me many times." Lucifer admits and somehow it is an easier statement to start with. "I am through being harmed by others."

He leans into Balthazar holding him close. "I do not often extend my trust to otherw and to have that trust breached so often and in ways even we find distasteful has left no room for forgiveness, not now."

He sighs heavily but he isn't sure if it releases tension or adds to it. "My hands are tied in this matter because of my child's involvement. It would break her heart to know how I have been treated because it is too close to the human aspects she comforts."

Balthazar is right. He doesnt want to talk about the incident to the point he is having a hard time even thinking about it.

[tryingitall]

"I never...understood," he admits slowly, "what you saw in him. But I didn't want to restrict you or be a jealous lover. You've given me reassurance after reassurance. I'm not afraid of sharing you, or of you losing interest, but I don't want you to take other lovers that don't respect you. You deserve better than that."

"So, for one thing, you can expect me to kick up a fuss, going forward, if you sleep with someone I don't approve of."

The wings around him are gentle but as encompassing as Balthazar can make them. He makes a little growling sound, between anger and anxiety with the situation. "But you must be confident she is in no danger, or you would have acted to keep him away from her, as well. Am I right?"

[the_rebel_son]

"I was more like him long ago. I remembered how important it was to have someone willing to tolerate me while I changed." Lucifer feels disappointed briefly but it passes in a wave of disgust. "He has shown he has no interest in becoming something farther than he is."

"Balthazar..." Lucifer's hand comes gently to his face to turn it up so he could meet his eyes. "You have always had the right to do that. You are my partner for the rest of our time. This is your home and court as much as mine. You do not have to weather things in silence."

Those words were easy to say, honest and without pause. He had never meant to have his partner feel unable to speak. It only increases his bitterness over the topic.

"I am not so sure any longer." Lucifer's wings wrap over the angel in his arms. He feels like he needs to shield him from the outside world. "He will wish he could die if I discover any ill actions."

[tryingitall]

"Ahh," he says softly. "You really are the superior Lucifer, then. I don't think the one in my world is capable of any kind of compassion any longer, let alone empathy."

He blinks at him when he turns his face to his. Here he was trying to be comforting and he gets comforted instead? He'd be lying if he pretended the wrath and power and mischief of the other angel have no allure to him at all, but this half-hidden core of sweetness is always going to be the aspect of Lucifer he loves best. "There isn't really anyone around I'm interested in sleeping with just now, other than you. That might change some day, or we might find others together, but either way, I don't want to cramp your style."

He smiles, and there's light in his eyes; he's sincere in this, and there's no emotional upset on his own behalf, only concern on Lucifer's.

"All right," he says softly, and strokes Lucifer's chest, trying to reassure him. "We'll talk about what we can do to protect her. She's my daughter too, now. And I'm sure Belial and I can come up with protection and warding spells no one short of a god could break."

"So for now, we'll focus on you. Did he use any kind of magic against you?"

[the_rebel_son]

"I told you the day we met." Lucifer's darkened presence brightens a little with the memory of meeting Balthazar. There was fun in the game of harassing him in those first minutes.

Lucifer laughs amused and cynical. "I think that is the lesson Dorian has taught me. That I should not look elsewhere when the perfect lover is already under my roof."

Balthazar is one of the few that could bring the softness out from under the front and mask he wears when needed. The truth is that he is not as aloof as he presents himself.

Lucifer strokes Balthazar's back absently and trying to even his breath and thoughts. "He used my trust and kindness."

He sighs snorting out a disgusted puff of air. "If you ask him, he will tell you I forced him to assault me but it was an act no fallen, even Moloch, would think to do to another."

[tryingitall]

It was fun. Moreover, it was a surprise to be harassed playfully by another angel, let alone one with such a terrifying reputation. That's the part Balthazar will always remember best, that mischievous grin and the delight Lucifer seemed to take in Balthazar's reactions.

Balthazar puts his fingers gently over Lucifer's lips. "You'll heal, and you'll meet others who actually are worth your time, and I will be right here every step of the way."

He settles into Lucifer's arms again, quiet for a moment as he talks. It sounds as though no Enochian circle or magical trap was used, and that's a relief, but he's increasingly confused as to how this dynamic between Lucifer and Dorian came about. "I need to know as much as you're willing to tell me, love. I know it's a hard thing to talk about, and I don't want to...upset you, but..."

But he needs this to make some kind of sense in his head, to decide how to go forward.

[the_rebel_son]

Lucifer kisses those finger tips on his lips and smiles. "What if I have decided I do not want anyone else?"

The sadness is still there and the darkness but the love is definitely seeping in. There was probably nothing in any universe that could diminish the shine in his grace for this angel.

Lucifer knows Balthazar is right. He deserves to know and maybe it would be helpful to talk but the lingering blame from Dorian keeps him silent. He doesn't want to be blamed again. He doesn't want to be told that his existence is reason enough to be abused. It brings up too much past darkness and too much hurt. More than he can safely expose with the celestials coming so soon.

"Some of the angels were out in the solarium; naked, drinking, and talking. It is a comfort to us to have that space. I think it was Mammon who invited Dorian but it did not bother me. There was a lot of drinking and opium."

This was unlikely to be any surprise to Balthazar as it was common for the fallen to fall into this kind of lazy, drug-addled but intellectual discussion. Lucifer falls silent for a time as he tries to collect himself. "He wanted me to submit to him in front of the others and I told him I couldn't trust him. There was compromise even playfulness."

The angel's breath just stops as he thinks. "I let him touch my grace. I have done that with humans before." He knows Balthazar would understand the measure of vulnerability that was for an angel and the trust it took. "He had felt it before accidentally."

Lucifer is slowly curling in on Balthazar. His grip getting tighter. When the words do come they are full of anger and the hurt of broken trust. "Dorian attempted to force me to submit to him in front of the other angels. I had to turn on him to defend myself."

A tempest of emotions is rising up in Lucifer's grace; pain, sorrow, violence, discomfort. fear, and wrath. The Wrath boiling there is probably something that Balthazar has never felt in Lucifer's grace. "He tells me it is my fault that he attempted to violate my freedom. That I deserve to be harmed for my ability to forgive and refusal to do as I am told even when it is against my will."

[tryingitall]

"Oh," Balthazar says softly, "you're stuck with me forever, one way or another. Time will unravel and existence will be forgotten, but it won't change a thing between you and me."

He waits, patient and calm cuddled into Lucifer's arms, vessel passive and relaxed, but all his celestial eyes are open. He's watching the body language, the cosmic light and fire, the movement of Lucifer's Grace. It never ceases to amaze him how easily a mortal, limited being can strike at the emotional heart of even the most powerful. He's seen it in Castiel, and now he sees it in Lucifer, magnified tens of thousands of times. How are they so dangerous?

Drinking and opium, he imagines, exacerbated any potential problem between Dorian and Lucifer. He's a little surprised to hear this took place in front of the others. The dynamic must have been subtle. Maybe that makes it worse.

The shudder of mild shock when he says he let the man touch his Grace may be discomforting to Lucifer. There is no judgment in it, but the idea of letting anyone so close is frightening. There have been a handful of other angels he's touched that way, but aside from that, Levi or another True Vessel are the only ones he can imagine permitting so close. As if in response, his wings curl closer and his own Grace reaches out as if to twine around Lucifer's and protect it.

But that explains it, in a way. How it could happen with other angels so close by. How it was not a magical binding, but an emotional violation with the potential to turn physical. People find it all too easy to see Lucifer in terms of reputation, power, danger, glory, and miss the metaphorical beating heart, and aching scars, beneath. It's one of the things that burns him the most where the Winchesters are concerned. Seeing angels in terms of what they can do. Treating people--treating Balthazar's family--as miracle-dispensers, a means to an end, or mere nuisances to be defeated. If all humans were like that, he'd be happy to see their world come to an end, without pity.

But they're not. The soul flickering with worry inside the shared vessel is a blessed reminder of that. Levi isn't hearing this discussion, but he knows Lucifer is distressed, and he's concerned.

Maybe Lucifer can feel the flare of emotion in Balthazar's Grace in turn; anger on his behalf, frustration at selfish coldness of certain elements of humanity.

"It's not your fault," he says thickly, swallows hard and clears his throat. "They don't all have the capacity to understand that we're people. And you can't always teach them kindness by being kind, or fairness by being just."

[the_rebel_son]

"You will never be free of me either." Lucifer responds.

If Lucifer would hear that question, he already knew the answer. Kindness, or more directly, because he cared. That was also why God targeted them when he was interested in harming Lucifer.

His grace instantly responds to that tremble and extension by reaching back and twining together. It was one of Lucifer's weaknesses, probably, the desire for close contact and intimacy.

"No." Lucifer's voice is sharp. "Do not give him the deflection of lack of understanding. He knew exactly what he was doing and told me his intent was to harm me."

Lucifer pauses, feeling Levi suddenly stirring. The rippling effect of Dorian's behavior is worse, in some ways than his actions. "I felt the intent in his presence when he started to act. If I had not, he would have pressed me face down in front of the others."

[tryingitall]

Lucifer's Grace is always intense to touch; it would be exaggerating to say Balthazar's gotten used to it. He's used to it in the same way a person can be 'used to' intense orgasms when they've been with a superlative lover for a long while. He can keep his head now, and not lose control of his vessel every time their Graces blend, but it takes him a moment to adjust mentally enough to refocus on the conversation.

It helps that he's not hiding anything, himself, any longer. Lucifer can doubtless feel the rage and hurt on his behalf, the bitterness related to Balthazar's own past experiences, and the need to do something to fix this, even in full awareness that it can't be fixed. It's always hard to see a loved one in pain.

"That's not quite what I meant," he says in response to Lucifer's protest, "but maybe I'm projecting from my own experience."

There's another little starburst of protective fury at Lucifer's next statement, and his wing-feathers rattle. "Why would he want to hurt you? I don't understand."

Mind you, that's definitely projecting. He can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt someone he loves so dearly. Even centuries ago, before he got his name, he had trouble with that concept.

[the_rebel_son]

Lucifer falls silent at that question. He's not refusing to answer, clearly with how his brows furrow, but trying to sort through all the reasons that Dorian had tantrums. Which one was in play in those moments when he turned on Lucifer and which ones had drove him to try and enact something he had to know would infuriate the angel.

"I suspect there are many reasons." Lucifer sighs. "He was angry with me often but I tend the rebellious. I am used to defiance but while my kind might take up arms and fight with me they would never attempt to subsume my freedom."

That wasn't an answer to Balthazar's question but Lucifer assumed his partner wants to know why he tolerated the previous behavior as much as he is interested in Dorian's actual behavior. His grace flutters with annoyance and then disappointment and grief while his thoughts sort out.

"I dared to tell him he could choose to be something more and that I did not fold when he berated me." Lucifer shrugs and looks back out the window though his arms and wings tighten their grip slightly. "Why he would attempt to rape me.. I imagine because I did not drop everything for his whims, lick at his boots like a dog, and jealousy that he would never be my first priority but sat below my own family."

Lucifer kisses Balthazar's temple. "I would never let anyone come between us or put them before you."

[tryingitall]

Freedom is a length of rope, Castiel's voice growls quietly in the back of Balthazar's mind. God wants us to hang ourselves with it.

He's floundering now. There's always been a subtle dichotomy to Balthazar; half childlike, hungry for love and reassurance, half the ancient, consummate warrior, weaponsmith and scholar. In the face of this unfamiliar sorrow and pain, his more delicate side is winning out for the moment, helpless and at a loss to understand what the point is, to taking something that is normally given so freely.

He doesn't say anything for several minutes. The kiss helps some; it's some reassurance, but jealousy isn't what Balthazar is suffering from, whether that was Dorian's problem or not. In the end, even if he was supplanted by another lover in Lucifer's arms, he would probably stay anyway. This is his family now. He's not willing to lose that a second time.

That thought solidifies him some. He can't change what happened or Lucifer's feelings over the whole mess, and it sounds like Dorian won't be in a position to make another attempt to harm him, ever again. He can't heal the injury, either, but he can do what he's always done. His Grace pulls closer to Lucifer's, opening up, and he murmurs, "I love you. I'd cut out my own Grace for you if you asked. You know that, don't you?"

[the_rebel_son]

Talking did not heal the slight or hurt but it did relieve some of the pressure. Lucifer indulges for a moment of just feeling Balthazar's grace close to his. Slowly his own grace wraps around the younger angel.

"I do not want nor need you to do anything so drastic." Lucifer shakes his head. "I know you would but I do not want you to. I want you just as you are."

He nestles his head against Balthazar. "I will never forgive him and now I must worry about my daughter."

[tryingitall]

Maybe feeling the utter sincerity of Balthazar's love and trust in the Grace-to-Grace contact will be comforting. His anger on Lucifer's behalf lingers, but it's taking a back seat to softer feelings of care and affection. Maybe later it will flare again and he'll have to find a way to relieve the pressure, himself. Almost certainly, he'll want an angry word or two with Dorian, in time. But all of that can wait.

"I know," he says, and the pained shivers in his Grace ease off some. His hands come up to stroke Lucifer's wing feathers softly, slowly. "Just remember I love you, and I'm here."

He kisses the other angel's cheek and sighs. "I understand you don't want to tell her the details, but surely she knows you've had a falling-out with him."

[the_rebel_son]

"I will never forget that you do." He found Balthazar's hand to kiss the ring he'd put on it not long ago.

A faint smile appears at the kiss to his cheek. "It is not the first time we have. Things have been rocky since I made it clear you were my priority."

Lucifer is not sorry about that. As he sat here holding his partner the realization was setting in that anyone who would be worthwhile and stable would understand. It didn't calm his anger but it did even some of his emotions. "We should do something. What would you like to do, right now?"

[tryingitall]

Balthazar is sputters and snorts softly at that. "I had a rivalry with him and I didn't even know it? Good lord. I'm going to be the jealous type from now on."

He tucks his head closer against Lucifer's shoulder. "There are things I should tell you about. From my own world. But they can wait."

Then again... "I've been afraid to invite you to my world lest you draw attention. But I would like to show you my gallery. If we don't linger, maybe it would be safe?"

[the_rebel_son]

"You can be jealous if you want." Lucifer smirks at the change in tone. Lucifer thought it miraculous how easy it was to push away darkness when Balthazar was near. Maybe that was what was meant by love? "I think it would be hot to watch you get crass and angry over me, even if there is no reason since I am already yours."

Lucifer strokes Balthazar's hair and back when he curls in close. "You do not have to wait. Your troubles are no more or less important than my own."

The question brings laughter that may well be inappropriately timed, not at Balthazar's worry, but a thought of past escapades. "I am not sure how our skills will fare against your angel's sense but.." He's having a hard time stifling the laughter and pulls the younger angel closer, almost playfully. "I used to talk to Raphael and Uriel as I walked into Eden without them knowing. I may be more sly than you give me credit for."

[tryingitall]

"Well, so long as you recognize that if I fight, I fight dirty," he says with a smirk of his own. "I might get cranky and try to pin you against the wall, but I'm equally likely to expend my energy making the other person look like an idiot in front of you."

He's about to explain his encounter with Raphael, but the laughter stops him. It's not that he minds, though; he glances up at Lucifer with a raised eyebrow, then smiles as he clarifies what he means. "Perhaps, but keep in mind it's possible that you're the superior Lucifer across the multiverse but you somehow got the dumb Raphael."

"Can't speak for Uriel; he wasn't an archangel for us, just a...specialist. And he killed several of my siblings in cold blood, so I can't forgive him that."

He's thinking now, though. Thinking about Raphael. Who believes there is no solution to his pain but oblivion. What would he think of this Lucifer?

What if keeping his world's business apart from Lucifer's is holding them back instead of moving them forward?

"Raphael approached me," he says. "In my world, not here. He doesn't know this place exists, as far as I can tell. I think he thought I might be able to influence Castiel or his followers to stand down. He offered amnesty. Archangels, in my world, simply don't do that."

[the_rebel_son]

"Do you think I always fight honorably?" Lucifer can't stop the blossoming grin. Of course he didn't but he could make it look honorable sometimes even when it was dirty. "You should pin me against the wall whenever you want, but especially before or after I watch you make a fool of others."

Lucifer would never say something like that to anyone else. Balthazar was safe. He trusted him. To only take what he gave, to return the power if he submitted, to not abuse his submission. That was what Lucifer required to give in to lovers; mutual respect.

Lucifer touches Balthazar's cheek gently. "I understand there are lines past which forgiveness can never be given."

He listens carefully because his partner rarely spoke about the workings if Heaven in his own world. "I would feel the same if the seraphim offered us amnesty."

The angel is silent for a moment and then speaks again. "I am here if you need of anything, as are all my resources. I know you worry about one of the fallen drawing attention but my influence is growing in Heaven. It is a precarious position but there are celestial angels I can trust."

Lucifer chuckles. "I think fighting dirty may be the ophan way now that I know you and I am becoming acquainted with Rota."

[tryingitall]

"Actually, I think you do prefer the high ground when you can get it," he tells him with a smile, unable to keep from responding to that grin. "But when you can't, you'll do what needs to be done."

There's another starburst of joy and affection in his Grace when Lucifer teases that he should pin him to the wall. After what he's just been through, to place such open trust in Balthazar is truly remarkable. He notices, and he's not taking it for granted.

He nuzzles lightly into the touch to his cheek. "But I'm not sure what's the right thing to do with my Host. For the longest time I wanted to just run away. Now I could. I could stay here and never return to my world, have all the angelic company and affection I ever wanted and just forget the disaster that my family actually is."

"But I can't stop loving the ones I'd leave behind. I wish I could. I tried." He tilts his head up and gives Lucifer a gentle kiss. This relationship is unquestionably his priority, but he can't pretend his own Host has stopped existing.

"Do you suppose it might be possible for an alliance somehow? Your world and mine?"

[the_rebel_son]

"Given the opportunity I prefer humiliation with little bloodshed, but that is not always possible." Lucifer would rather strike at an ego than a body and he was devilishly efficient at it when called to action.

"Sometimes I am not always sure what is right either." That was another thing he could speak here, in private, and nowhere else.. uncertainty. "I thought for a long time after the angels approached me before agreeing to anything. I do understand the desire to stay connected. I feel it. Not with the seraphim. They can rot, but the other angels I do. One of the duties I was created for was to take care of and teach the lower angels. I have never been able to shake that desire."

Lucifer returns the kiss, nuzzling his forehead into his lover while he thinks. "It would depend on how repulsed they are by our status as fallen. You mentioned there are no fallen in your creation. That lack of frame of reference could breed curiosity or mistrust. I do not know enough about your angels to speak to that but my own may be open to it. Though Michael and Abdiel would be a hard bargain. They have caused so much pain to the fallen that the name alone may invoke aggression."

Lucifer pauses but realizing that Balthazar may be serious, he knows more information needs to be shared. "Abdiel was a close confidant of mine in heaven. He is the one who betrayed us to Michael. It is his fault alone that Belial is blind and my wings were ripped out. An angel bearing that name may be attacked on sight. I do not think even I would have the presence to stop it from occuring."